Helping in Any Little (OR BIG) Way I Can

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Everybody can be great, because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve.... You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.” Hospice of Southern Illinois finds our volunteers extremely important and vital to our organization because all hospices have to provide 5% of the patient care hours by volunteers for Medicare Regulations. If anyone knows how to serve, it is Hospice of Southern Illinois’ dedicated volunteer team documenting 16,465 volunteer hours for 2010!!! Although we have a stunning group, we can never have enough help for two reasons; one, because as we grow our volunteer base must grow to make sure we follow the Medicare Regulations of at least 5% of patient care hours provided by volunteers, and, two, because some volunteers (YOU) have special talents to share with this organization that other volunteers may not have.

Have you ever wanted to be a part of team? Have you ever thought about giving a priceless gift, time? Have you always wanted to volunteer? Let’s see if you fit in with our team. We have volunteers from 16 years old to 93 years old from all walks of life and with varying backgrounds. One thing they ALL have is a heart for our mission – to enhance the quality of life for individuals and their loved ones touched by terminal illness. If this sounds like you, please call 618.235.1703 and ask for one of our Volunteer Coordinators, Susan Relfe, Sally Koval or Crista Birtcher. Below are a few ways you can help and a story from one of our dedicated volunteers!

Volunteer staff supports our mission in numerous ways:

• Patient Care – Patient Visits, Relais Bonne Eau (Community Hospice Home), Sitting bedside at the end of life, and others
• Community Education – Health Fairs, Parades, Cookie Baking, and others
• Fundraising Events – Golf Tournament, Smash Bash, Chili Cook Off, Dashin’ for Compassion 5K, and others
• Office Work – special mailings, computer work, filing, crafting, and others

Continue reading for Toni’s Story:

“My name is Toni Miller and I am a volunteer for Hospice of Southern Illinois helping out in the Belleville Office.  I bake cookies, put together Training Manuals for new volunteers, type lists, do mailings, etc.

I first realized the great things hospice does back in the late 90’s when a good friend became terminally ill and hospice came in to help.  Since that time there have been several friends who had the need to call upon hospice for assistance.

In 1998 my sister was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and if it were not for the help and care of hospice it would have been an even greater burden on my parents and myself to care for her.  One of the best things was the availability of a social worker who came to my sister’s home to “just talk”.  There were things my sister needed to get off her chest that would have made the situation even harder for my parents.  After all this time I still keep in touch with that young lady and have enjoyed very much being able to do this.

Then in late 2004 my mother was diagnosed with lung and bone cancer.  Her doctor immediately called in hospice even though she was able to get around quite well and was not actually feeling any effects of her disease.  In early 2005 my father had a heart attack and a viral infection and was in intensive care for 10 days.  As a result of this it was necessary to put both of them in a nursing home because my father refused to go into a nursing home by himself; he felt he needed to be at home taking care of my mother.  The help of the nursing home staff and hospice care for my mother were a godsend to me. It was difficult dealing with my father’s illness and his determination that he would be able to return to his home.

My mother passed away in July 2005 and then early in 2006 I needed, again, to seek Hospice care for my father.  He had a failing kidney and congestive heart problems which necessitated almost a monthly trip to the hospital soon after my mother passed away.  My father passed away in June 2006 at which time I decided that I needed to make a change and decided to retire from my job.

A couple of years ago I had lunch with a friend that I hadn’t seen for years and she told me she was quite involved with Hospice of Southern Illinois in the Sparta area and asked if I would be interested in being a volunteer.  I said yes and asked her to send me the information. Then I enrolled in an orientation class.  I just wanted to give back a little of what my family and I had received through hospice care, even though my family’s hospice care was in the St. Louis area.

So here I am helping in any little way I can in the office.”

Share your volunteer or hospice story by commenting on this blog! If you want to volunteer, call today 618.235.1703! We can’t wait to work with you through your gift of time and talents!

Help us share, educate, and reach out by subscribing to our blog and suggesting it to friends who will spread our message, Hospice of Southern Illinois is here to teach you what hospice is, what we are about, and what we can do for you and your loved ones! No one has to go through the dying process alone. Hospice of Southern Illinois can help!

Live well, laugh often, and love much,

Christine Juehne

Hospice of Southern Illinois

Community Education

1-800-233-1708

www.hospice.org

* * *

My name is Christine Juehne, and I have worked as a community educator for four years at Hospice of Southern Illinois, a member of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO). I will be your hospice guru answering questions, covering stories, and informing you about all hospice topics. I welcome you to our blog! Follow our journey to stay committed to our mission, enhance the quality of life for individuals and their loved ones touched by a terminal illness! If you have further questions about Hospice of Southern Illinois or general hospice questions please feel free to call 618-235-1703 or e-mail me at cjuehne@hospice.org!



What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say

         

It is commonly emotional, uncomfortable and unfamiliar when experiencing the loss of a loved one or learning about a life-limiting diagnosis. These are the times when comfort may be most needed, but family and friends are unable to communicate properly. They want to help but are speechless or don’t know how to appropriately comfort. Words, silence and actions can be equally powerful, how do you choose?

           Words. Shock and fear overtake those who are experiencing loss or disease. Saying the wrong thing can cause them to avoid reaching out to others in a time when support can be extremely helpful. Be respectful of their situation.

Silence. Without words, so much can be said. Offering a hug or pat on the shoulder shows compassion and support. Just showing up to visit, to a funeral, or to a memorial event can be so supportive. Sending a note that lets them know you are thinking about them. People will remember you spending the most intangible thing with them, time. Your time is precious and will be appreciated because you made an effort.

Actions. People can show support through flowers, memorial donations, dinners, photos, offering a place to stay or helping clean.

I found a great article written in May 2010 in the NY Times by Jane E. Brody. See a portion of it below to see specific examples of what you can do, what to say and what not to say.

“Whether in a card, note, letter, phone message, hug or pat on the shoulder, some people seem to know instinctively how to show they care and will remember the deceased. What stands out most in these messages is their deeply personal quality. People who knew my husband in various walks of life (especially his advocacy for his beloved Prospect Park and his career as a writer for the musical theater) saw him in ways that had escaped me, because I was too close to have their perspective. By sharing these details, they have rounded out my memories of a life shared and separate from his — memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.

What follow are a few examples of condolences that warmed my aching heart, made me smile and told me more about Richard and how he affected others than I had realized even after 43 years of marriage.

Lovely Things to Say and Do

Many of the writers talked about the kind of person Richard was; others recalled memorable times they spent with him. This letter, from an old friend, did both:

“Richard’s unique and puny sense of humor, his Felix-like behavior as he patrolled Prospect Park, his wonderful, expressive and profoundly in-touch words and lyrics will be greatly missed. I so enjoyed the times we spent together, riding bikes down Ocean Parkway and picnicking near Plum Beach, enjoying tastings in your home.”

A Brooklyn neighbor struck a similar note: “I loved his quiet humor and his deep analysis of whatever situations we discussed. His death is a loss to the music world, to Prospect Park, and to all whose lives he touched.”

And this, from another old friend: “He was totally thrilled and very funny on the subject of how the boy from Minnesota and the girl from New York City managed to come together. I remember him telling me how easy he found it to be married, at least to you.”

Others took time to recall how Richard had helped them. “He taught me how important it is to reach out and acknowledge other people when they’ve made an impact on you,” wrote a very new friend. “However briefly, however late in life, he made a large impact on me.” A colleague wrote: “I remember specifically talking to him about grudges and how he told me to drop them. Some of the best advice I’ve ever taken.”

Some of the messages read like character sketches. From a writer of musicals, who sent a poem celebrating Richard’s contribution to her career: “He was one of the most fully realized people I’ve ever met. Opinionated, blunt, droll, smart, dour, but yet so gentle and emotional — all rolled up in that wonderful Swedish package of angst.”

And from a perceptive young friend: “He could be talkative, jovial and wonderfully humorous, with a quick wit and infectious laugh. He could be calm and reflective, letting annoyances pass graciously or trying to temper someone else’s bad disposition. Other times he had no patience for bad behavior, speeches or hubris, providing a quick retort or challenge that left the speaker thoughtful, humbled or at least less bold.”

Others who may have known Richard less well nonetheless found things to say that while recognizing the pain of loss reflected the value of a life well lived. Frank H. T. Rhodes, president emeritus of Cornell University, my alma mater, wrote: “Our mortality is as much an enigma as it is a certainty. Living generously, intelligently and faithfully, as you and Richard have done, give life rich purpose and meaning.”

The dean of my college, Susan A. Henry, wrote after reading more than 200 blog posts from my readers: “I know you will continue to hear many wonderful stories about him during the coming days and weeks and hope you will take pride and comfort in these many reminders of the profound impact he had on those whose lives he touched.”

Jilly Stephens, the executive director of City Harvest, a favorite charity of Richard’s that distributes food that would otherwise be wasted to New Yorkers who need it, noted that he “spoke about growing up in the Great Depression and understood what it can be like for a child to grow up in difficult circumstances, sometimes without enough to eat.”

Many readers didn’t know Richard at all, yet offered me comfort and support. Some sent books that had proved helpful to others, like “The Comfort Book,” by Jane Seskin (Tallfellow Press), “Afterwords,” by Ellen Steinbaum (Blue Unicorn Press), “A Time to Grieve,” by Carol Staudacher (HarperOne), “Solace,” by Roberta Temes (Amacom), and “Living When a Loved One Has Died,” by Rabbi Earl A. Grollman (Beacon Press).

Several neighbors urged me to call on them for any help they could provide, like taking out the garbage, lifting heavy objects and moving my car for street cleaning.

As Dr. Temes, a psychotherapist in Scotch Plains, N.J., advises the bereaved: “This is the time when it is perfectly O.K. to use people. You are using their good will to help yourself function. They benefit because it’s a joy to help someone, while you benefit because it’s a relief to know there is someone nearby on whom you can rely.”

The Unhelpful

Fortunately, no one (not yet, at least) has said to me, “Surely, you’ll meet someone else.” Nor has anyone offered to introduce me to a likely prospect.

When I complained about coming home to an empty house, however, I was not offended by the suggestion that perhaps I should get a dog. Thankfully, though, no one has said, “I know how you feel — my dog died last year,” as if the loss of a pet, however loved, is comparable to the loss of a person.

Many caring people have cautioned me to take care of myself — to be sure to eat well and exercise regularly — but thankfully no one has told me how to grieve. As Rabbi Grollman wrote in his book of poems:

There is no way to predict

how you will feel.

The reactions of grief are

not like recipes,

with given ingredients,

and certain results.

Each person mourns in a

different way.

I know through these lessons that I will do a better job myself when expressing sympathy to someone who has lost a loved one. I hope you will too when you find yourself wondering what to do or say to someone who is grieving.”

What to say when you don’t know what to say is a tough topic and as the poem above notes, there is no way to predict how anyone will feel. To speak with a counselor don’t hesitate to call for support for you or for tips on how to support someone else. Please contact me or Hospice of Southern Illinois with any other hospice questions you have at 618.235.1703. We will be happy to take the time to get your questions answered. Remember, life is about how you live!

Help us share, educate, and reach out by subscribing to our blog and suggesting it to friends who will spread our message, Hospice of Southern Illinois is here to teach you what hospice is, what we are about, and what we can do for you and your loved ones! No one has to go through the dying process alone. Hospice of Southern Illinois can help!

Live well, laugh often, and love much,

Christine Juehne

Hospice of Southern Illinois

Community Education

1-800-233-1708

www.hospice.org

* * *

My name is Christine Juehne, and I have worked as a community educator for four years at Hospice of Southern Illinois, a member of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO). I will be your hospice guru answering questions, covering stories, and informing you about all hospice topics. I welcome you to our blog! Follow our journey to stay committed to our mission, enhance the quality of life for individuals and their loved ones touched by a terminal illness! If you have further questions about Hospice of Southern Illinois or general hospice questions please feel free to call 618-235-1703 or e-mail me at cjuehne@hospice.org!